I’m not dead.


I’ve just been having a bit of writer’s block lately, so I took a break off Glimmerlands and the other writing project I was working on (in French, which is why it’s not on here). Remember when you clicked on “Who is this crazy?” to see who this crazy was, and I mentioned figuring out the workings of my own creative process? Well that means that sometimes there will be unpredictable and inexplicable hiatuses (hiatii?). This is particularly true of my writing projects, because they are very long and difficult and I’m the kind of person who responds to short-term gratification but thinks in trilogies.

So here’s what’s going on: at the moment, only three things make me feel good: spending time with people I love, singing/playing music, and food. Job-hunting is capable of really getting me down, except on those rare days on which I find something I’d actually like AND am qualified to do (not that I’ve heard back from any of those rare opportunities, despite my best efforts). I’m not as unhappy as before we got our two new roommates and also the cat (did I not tell you about those? Well, now you know). I’m in a better mood than usual now that I’m leaving on Sunday to spend a week with my mother and sisters, who I miss terribly and haven’t seen in far too long, but I still sometimes find myself suddenly feeling shit whilst in the middle of, say, eating dinner, or doing the laundry, or staring blankly out the window. It’s like the rotting black hole in my belly yawns open and belches out sulfurous fumes once in a while. Which makes it sound like indigestion but I can assure you, this is much worse.

When it became obvious my brain wasn’t going to cooperate any more when it came to my writing projects, I stopped. I usually try to force it until I get absolutely sick of the project, but I didn’t this time because, well, it’s never worked. So I’ve made a video, written another, prepared a third, played guitar a bit, signed up for singing lessons (singing helps a lot, and I’ve noticed that on good days my voice is stronger – I wonder if I can learn to control that phenomenon to somehow affect my mood on bad days, too), and had an idea for a project that I’d like to be able to illustrate.

I’m not going to go into the details of this project yet, but it’s to do with mental illness. So for me, the illustrations had to be quite dark. I carried the idea around with me for a few days, then asked an artist friend of mine if she’d illustrate it, which she enthusiastically accepted without knowing exactly what I wanted – and I forgot that her style of drawing is more comic than dark. I wondered what to do, because she lives close by so it’d be really convenient if I could get her to do it, but I didn’t know if I could adapt the story to her style of drawing.

Then today I was tired, so I had a nap, and when I woke up I knew how to do it. And I wrote it. And it’s done.

Just occasionally, my brain does something so cool and so exciting that it gives me hope for myself.


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